Haunted House, presented by Audax Theatre Group at the Irish Arts Center under the direction of Brian Ziv, runs for 90 minutes with no intermission. Even so, four people managed to walk out when they could find a time when their leaving would not be too obtrusive. I was envious.

The play is about the Dunn family, which operates The Haunted House, the third oldest ride in New Jersey. Cy Dunn (Jordan Charney), is the pater familias, an expatriated Englishman who wears a black, hooded cloak and weird make-up. He is the father of the somewhat retarded Peter (Jason Altman) and the stepfather of Wendy (Meghan Miller), a waitress at a local Ruby Tuesday. His wife, Sorcha, deserted the family the day before the 9/11 attacks.

The action begins when Lucy Darling (Diana Cherkas,) a San Francisco tech geek, notices the Dunn place while down the road at a gaming and electronics expo with her boyfriend/employer, Moses (Jason Blaine) and thinks "wouldn't it be the coolest to do a little piece on this place?"

Within a very short time, Lucy has attracted the attention of the dim-witted Peter, and Moses has made moves on Wendy. The only problem is that Wendy and her half-brother Peter are already involved in a clandestine affair, and Wendy's big dream is to escape to Canada with her reluctant lover. If there is more of a plot than what has already been related, it escaped me.

Haunted House sounds as if it was written by a horny sixteen-year-old who spends ten hours a day looking at pornography on his computer and communicating over the Internet with people he hasn't met and doesn't particularly like. There's an extended scene in which Moses uses the bathroom several times, clogging the toilet and smelling up the room. Perhaps this is all in the interest of humor.

Instead of any more comments, it's best to just to let the dialogue speak for itself:

Moses: "The one time we broke up, I jerked off and forgot your middle name, when I should have been crying and staring out my window at a tree branch."

Lucy: "You jerked off? You said you cried."

Moses: "I came, which is like crying from one tiny eye."

Or how about:

Moses: "You suck at coding in Terminal; your breath after Chinese food is disgusting; the mole near your tits has got to go; your Dad's a lot dumber than me — A LOT; and your bush is too wiry for my taste."

With such dialogue, who can seriously discuss direction and acting?

Roberts is the co-founder of the Audax Theatre Group. They have produced three of his other plays.

Haunted House By Daniel Roberts Directed by Brian Ziv Cast: Jordan Charney (Cy Dunn), Diana Cherkas (Lucy Darling), Jason Blaine (Moses), Jason Altman (Peter Dunn), Meghan Miller (Wendy Dunn) Lighting Design: Date Ashton Costume Design: James DiMartino Set Design: Julia Noulin-Merat Running time: 90 minutes, no intermission Audax Theatre Group Irish Arts Center, 553 West 51st Street between 10th and 11th avenues From 7/9/09; closing 8/8/09 Thursday through Saturday at 8pm Tickets: $15 Smarttix.com or (212) 868-4444 Reviewed by Paulanne Simmons July 11, 2009